Archive for February, 2008
Sunday, February 24th, 2008
Dang, when we dance, I am taken away from the world. For a brief moment in time, there is but one person on earth, the person we become when we hold eachother near. I know only you then…. I am taken in by the sound of your song in my ear.
As we glide across the floor, our room becomes a ballroom, and my partner glows. At this moment, I can sing the sweetest song, for my song comes from my heart.
I long to dance with my Love. I long to float with her somewhere beyond time and space. My feet miss the rythem of our dance.
As I sleep at night, I dream of you, and we dance until morning. Mama, we will dance soon. I will hold you and spin you around before long. Don’t let your arms forget me. Mine will never forget you.
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Sunday, February 24th, 2008
I was talking about strength in my last entry, and it reminded me of something important that needed to be said….
My Love, Dang, is strong. She has suffered and endured much for our love, but she never complains. Sure, we talk about our feelings; we laugh, and we cry. Through all this, she stands strong.
Dang doesn’t waiver. She is solid and motivated. Even though she suffers, she finds joy. She lets me lean on her here like I leaned on her in the hospital.
You don’t have to worry about Dang’s heart; it’s true. Her love is without bounds. I feel her no matter where I am.
Yes, my love for Dang is strong. I would go to the ends of the world for her, but that’s not what this entry is about. It’s about my Love, Dang. She is strong. She is solid. She is Dang!!!!
Never forget, Mama, that I am here to be strong with you. I am here to help you be strong. Lean on me as I lean on you, and we cannot be moved.
I love you, my Love!!!!!!
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Sunday, February 24th, 2008
Yesterday, I talked to my Love. It took some effort, but I found a place to buy phone cards…. at a fair price, even…. and I got to talk to Dang for nearly an hour. It was a joy.
Talking to Dang is good medicine, for just the sound of her voice moves me in profound ways. Listening to her calms my soul, makes me alive, and brings me instant joy. I’ve found that the effects are lasting too. Today, nearly 24 hours after, I am still feeling her voice move inside.
This morning, I talked to Amanda on the phone. She’s recovering from major surgery, but she sounds good. I have missed her. She’s my buddy, and I need her. The conversation was all laughs and kids, like usual.
I had tried to call mom, but the phone was off the hook. Sad. The good news is that I got to chat with her online a lot this morning. She’s doing well. I know that it is hard to go so long without talking to me, and that this causes her grief, but she doesn’t let that come through. Mom has had so much to deal with the past few weeks. She is so strong, and I’m happy to get to talk to her this morning.
I must say that things are getting better with every day. It’s amazing how a new perspective helps. When I realized a few key points, changed my way of looking at the situation, and reminded myself how lucky I am, my feelings have brightened.
I’m learning much- not just things like where to buy towels, garbage bags, etc- but also things about life. I’m learning to cope with the trials and grab hold of the joys. This is good, I think. Even when things are hard, there is so much to be happy about.
Talking to you, Dang, Sister, and Mom, reminds me of all I have to hold on too. Not only that, you improve my view of everything. You are there for me as I learn new lessons, and your encouragement makes me feel strong and able to grow as a man.
Yes, things are improving.
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Sunday, February 24th, 2008
When I woke up the next morning, I was feeling much better. I wasn’t 100%, but my stomach wasn’t cramping. Although I was exhauseted, I was in good spirits and ready to go home.
I ate some breakfast…. rice and soy milk were all my stomach could handle. This is the diet I would keep for a few days…. rice, soy, cereal, etc. The majority of the day was spent sleeping. I was so tired. My body was just wore out. Mama was there the whole time. Even though, I was sleeping, she never left my side. She stayed right there quietly watching over me.
By the time 6.00 p.m had arrived, they released me from the hospital. Mama and I showered, packed, and were off. Because this was a governemt-run hospital, the price was very cheap. For the whole stay, medicine included, it cost $60. That’s right, $60. Hmmmm…… strange…… affordable health-care. Dang told me that it wasn’t the best in Thailand, because it was government, but it was good. They took very good care of me. But, that’s how Thailand is…. they are very caring people. They wouldn’t think of not caring for me. That would not be the Thai way of doing things.
Mama and I caught a van back to Bangkok, and by 9.00 pm, we were home. I ate some supper and went to bed.
Before I move on, let me remind you of this: Dang never left me. She cared for me through all of this. She lost sleep, worried, arranged things, took care of all the business, and was even there for me to lean on when I was too weak to walk on my own. I pity the person to ever dare speak a foul word against my Love….. that person will know my wrath, surely.
To be continued….
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Saturday, February 23rd, 2008
My Love, Noo-Dang, knows how difficult the past two weeks have been. Yes, I’ve been here for two weeks…. sometimes, it feels like two years. Like I said, it’s been difficult.
I’ve found myself struggling more than I would have expected, and sometimes I’ve felt like I was lossing the battle. Day after day, I would talk to my darling Dang, and I would cry about this, and moan about that. I was so focused on my pain that I was forgetting the other things.
I’ve really been thinking a lot today. Korea has been tough, and my job requires a lot from me. But, life is tough. Life requires a lot too, especially when you are starting a life with someone else. Somewhere, I lost sight of that.
Rather than cry about life’s difficulties…. I should deal with them…. deal with them and focus on the joys. And there are so many joys to focus on and celebrate. Dang provides me with countless moments of happiness and endless joy.
When I am tired and stressed, I should realize that these are just a part of life. Accept that they are there, but don’t whine endlessly about them…… it doesn’t help, anyway. Not only that, it brings a burden to those you love.
Dang, I’m sorry that I had to learn that after we fell in love. I would have like to have done so prior.
I love you mama….. I’m going to make the best of Korea…. for us.
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Sunday, February 17th, 2008
O.k. I left off at, “I was asking for my wife.”
When Dang made it back to the ER, they were preparing to poke me with a needle. I was glad to see her. I’m not afraid of needles, but I’m terrified of people administering medical care who don’t speak my language. To this day, I don’t know what they gave me- sad, but true. After getting the shot, I was supposed to wait 15 minuets to an half an hour to see if it was going to take effect.
After the alotted time period, I was doubled over in pain (I would say this is the pinacle of the pain). It was at this point, that the decission was made to admit me to the hospital. They’re asking questions of me like, “Do you want a private room?”
“I want you to shoot me!!! I don’t care if you do it here or in a private room!!!” No, I didn’t really say that, but I wasn’t too concerned about where I was. Mama made the choice to put me in a private room. Actually, she made all the decissions. All I could do was kick in agony.
After the decission was made, I was put on and i.v. Soon they had me in my room. It’s the strangest feeling to be rolled on a gurney in a dark hospital in a foreign land. It made me uncomfortable. Seeing Mama saved me, though. As the anxiety increased, I would see her at just the right moment, and I knew all would be o.k. “Just stay by my side, Mama,” I kept thinking.
When I got settled into the room, Dang went back to the hotel to get our stuff. By the time she got back I was already feeling better…. I was almost asleep. Mama, settled on the sofa next to my bed, and we both fell asleep.
To be continued…
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Saturday, February 16th, 2008
I want to take a moment and quickly recap the past 7 days. I’m sorry for having left you in the dark, but, as you will see, I’ve been caught up in a whirlwind.
This time last week, I was just being released from the hospital in Thailand. That’s right, the farang succumbed to the dreaded food poisoning. It’s sad, really. I was so very proud of myself. I had been in Thailand for a month, and nothing….. not the first illness. I was feeling adjusted and figured that if I hadn’t gotten sick by then, I wasn’t going to. Wrong!!!!
On my last weekend in Thailand, Dang (my future wife) and I were going to spend it on the coast. I thought a relaxing weekend next to the sea would be just the thing. We could get out of Bangkok, be away from everyone by ourselves, and really enjoy eachother. In theory, it was a great idea; in practice…. not so much.
Just before we left Friday night, I started feeling a bit naustious. Dang asked what was wrong; I told her that I was feeling a bit naustious; and she gave me some medicine (like Mylanta). I thought, “O.k. That will help. I’ll be better before we ever make it to the hotel.” I wasn’t.
On the way to our destination, I kept feeling worse and worse. By the time we arrived, I was cramping so bad that I wanted to cry and felt like passing out. This all occured over a period of not more than two or three hours. Whatever I had, it was fast.
When we arrived at the bungalo, I couldn’t wait any longer. I made it to the restroom and commensed my first round of vomitting. Before I had started, I had bolted the door. This isn’t something that I like to have people around for- I’ve always done this by myself. Dang was outside on the porch and heard me all the way out there. She quickly rushed to the bathroom to find the door locked. She cried out to me, “Papa, are you O.k.”
“No, I’m not!!! I’m sick, Mama.”
“Papa, the door is locked,” she said with obvious worry in her voice. “Please let me in. Mama wants to help.”
For the first time in my life, I unlocked the door. I could tell that keeping her out would cause her harm. She wanted to be there, and, deep down, I needed her there, and trust me, she was there for everything…. vomit, snot, spit, tears, gags, and heaves. She didn’t shy away the least bit. She took good care of me.
After two rounds of vomitting, I finally threw-up everything on my stomach- the last round was rough- and layed down. One would think I would have finished with the vomitting, but I didn’t. Niext, the worse pain of my life set in. Truly, I’ve never hurt this bad- ever! I was cramping, running a fever, and couldn’t decide if I was hot or cold.
“I’m hot. I’m cold. I’m hot. I’m cold. I’m hot. I’m cold.” You get the picture.
Dang delt with that for what seemed like an eternity. I couldn’t tell you, for I’m not sure what was actually going on. Dang finally got me to sleep by telling me a story- listening to her voice is like listening to an angel, and it always calms me.
I awoke after having slept only a half hour. The pain was, believe it or not, even worse. I couldn’t bear it any longer. Plus, I was genuinely frightened by the level of pain that I was in. It was time to go to the hospital.
Mama got me there, and quickly I might add. She took care of everything. In less than a half hour, I’m guessing, I was in the ER. I’m not going to bore you with too many details. What I want you to know is this one detail: I wanted my “wife.” At that moment, for some reason, I couldn’t see Dang as my wife-to-be…. she was my wife. I could see beyond the surface then, and see her for who she truly was to me- my wife.
To be continued……
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Thursday, February 14th, 2008
Today is Valentine’s day, the day of lover’s, and on this Valentine’s Day, I am thousands of miles away from my Love…. serving a year in Seoul, South Korea teaching English. I miss her. I miss her more than I could possibly tell you. The grief that I feel, not just on this special day, but everyday, is deeply carved into my heart. If it pains one so, you might ask, “Why allow yourself to be separated by such distances from the one you love?”
I am in Seoul because I love. Sometimes, contrary to popular belief, love requires distance. I have traveled to Korea to earn experience as a teacher and a good salary, both of which I need.
Why do I need money if I have love? Simple. I need money because my Love and I need a home. I need money for our wedding. I need money for our future children. I need money for our life. If I can provide a good life for those I love, then my love for them drives me to do things that grieve me. Believe me, living in Korea causes me grief.
I want to be a good husband and father, and I see that being such requires many silent and lonely tears. On this Valentine’s Day, I am reminded of that aspect of love. True love brings many joys and heartaches. The joys are exhilarating, but the heartaches are what sustain the love. Without the heartaches, there is no growth…. your love is not being exercised.
On this Valentine’s Day, I celebrate the heartache I am feeling. For the first time in my life, I have someone to exercise my love for, and I am learning that the joy always overshadows the heartache. Distance does not weaken the happiness that I have found in my love for Dang.
Dang makes me feel alive. She brings unimaginable life to my life. I have a spring in my step, a stronger beat in my heart, and extra tenor in my song. Because of Dang, my Love, I see the past for what it was….a preparation to be the man she could fall in love with; I see the present with a patient hope for the future….all that agitates me now will benefit my life with Dang shortly; I and I see the future with hope and excitement…. as far as I can tell, there are nothing but good things in store for my Love and I.
Dang, I love you. I loved you in Tennessee; I loved you in Thailand; and I love you in Korea. Soon, I will find my way back home (less than a year now). Keep calling me…. lead me back home my Valentine.
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Friday, February 8th, 2008
This is my last weekend in Thailand; Monday, I fly to Seoul to begin my year teaching English there. Yes, this is hard. Dang and I are feeling the pain… deeply. I’m having to leave the love of my life behind.
I never understood until now in all of my 30 years what it means to truly be in love. It’s beyond words…. maybe that’s why we never tire of love stories, because each one gets a little closer to giving words to it. Even though, I can’t put love into words, I can offer glimpses. One such glimpse is the reality that even a couple of days away from your Love is torturous. Being from my Dang is more than I can bear.
It is more than I can bear, and, yet, I have to bear it. There is no choice for us, and, in that, there is another glimpse into what love is. Love is paradoxical. It is and it isn’t- both at the same time. This is what makes it beautiful and painful.
Rather than mope around in Bangkok this last weekend- wallowing in our pain- we are going to celebrate our last couple of days together with a relaxing trip to the sea. Maybe, for a couple of days, we can forget the encroaching day of dread.
I’m excited about this…. Just last night, we decided to take this trip. I so admire that Dang is up for such “fly by the seat of your pants” trips, for I really enjoy such trips….. so much fun. I think there will be many such trips for Dang and I, and Thailand is certainly the land to enjoy those sort of trips.
Dang, I’m looking forward to the weekend with you and the sea. I know we are going to have a great time just relaxing, talking, and gazing into each other’s eyes.
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