Archive for March, 2008
Sunday, March 30th, 2008
My Love, Dang, is gone to the south of Thailand for the week to be with the family as they mourn the death of her grandmother. This is a somber time, and Dang is attending to important business this week- saying goodbye to her grandmother and consoling her family as they mourn their loss.
Although, I would have nothing less than Dang being with her family in this time of need, I miss her terribly, for I can’t really talk to her while she is south. There is no internet at her mother’s and her cell phone works erratically, at best, when she is there.
She left Friday, and I’ve been lost all weekend long. I don’t know where it went, but it is time for me to lay down and awaken tomorrow morning to a new week. Of course, I’ve not seen Dang in 2 months, but I talk to her daily. We email, IM, and Skype all the time…. I spend a good deal of time with her.
I’ve found that she keeps me grounded, and that, rather than distracting me, she gives me focus and purpose. I’ve not had that this weekend, and little has been accomplished. I barely even got my small apartment cleaned. Thankfully, I did manage to get my schoolwork done, but barely.
Now, I just have to make it through the week without her. She’ll be home around the 7th. I’ll be o.k, I suppose, but I’ll feel every painful moment of her absence anew each and every second until she returns home.
My prayers are with you my Love!!! My heart is awaiting your return. I wish that I could be there with you and for you, and I am sorry that I can not and am not.
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Sunday, March 23rd, 2008
Today is, indeed, a sad day for Dang and her family. Last night, or very early this morning, Dang found out that her dear grandmother had passed away.
She had been sick for quite some time and was in the hospital for a while. Yesterday, Dang received a phone call from her sister letting her know that the doctors were letting her grandmother go home, and that Dang should come too. We knew that this was not a good sign.
Dang had canceled her trip in April to see me so that she could rush home (as fast as she could). The poor dear was noticeably worried and concerned. I felt bad for her. It’s hard to have someone you love be sick without you being able to make it to them.
Mama… sometimes life doesn’t let us do the things we desire in our hearts, no matter how good and true they are- like visiting those we love.
Dang will be going South this week; I think. She has to be with her family in their time of mourning. I can’t be there with her; although, I want nothing more.
Even though, I can’t go with you Love, you are not alone. I’ll be hoping and praying for you every second. I’ll do everything in my power to help you and your family through this time of tears. I may not be able to do much, but I’ll do all that I can.
Remember, we never truly loose the ones we love when they pass. They are always with us, and they live on in us. When the grief is too much, celebrate Grandmother’s life and what she meant to you.
Know that Papa is always here for you, in times of need, as well as in times of joy.
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Saturday, March 22nd, 2008
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Thursday, March 20th, 2008
I was asked the other day how I was going to make it a whole year all alone in Korea. This is my answer:
Breath, think of Dang, breath, think of Dang, breath, think of Dang.
One breath follows another. Before you know it, you’ve been breathing for an hour.
Breath, think of Dang, breath, think of Dang, breath, think of Dang.
One breath follows another. Before you know it, you’ve been breathing for two hours.
Breath, think of Dang, breath, think of Dang, breath, think of Dang.
One breath follows another. Before you know it, you’ve been breathing for three hours- and on and on the process goes.
I make it through my days one breath after another. I make time to think of Dang between each, and this is how I am surviving. This is how I will make it for another 46 weeks.
Dang is my strength. She isn’t between breaths, as much as she’s what gets me to the next breath.
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Sunday, March 16th, 2008
This is but a season,
and seasons surly pass.
The aren’t like my love for you,
they don’t eternally last.
The snows of Winter will melt away.
The showers of Spring will dry in May.
The heat of Summer will cool in Fall’s embrace.
And with the passing of Fall, I will see your face,
never to fade, never to whither.
We well be together from then until forever.
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Sunday, March 16th, 2008
My love for you is strong enough
to make me want to stay.
My love for you is strong enough
to make me not run away.
My love for you is strong enough
to make me realize that there’s more to life
than being instantly gratified.
My love for you is strong enough
to bring my heart home every night.
My love for you is strong enough
to help me see past my pain.
My love for you is strong enough
to return me to you side and your arms once again.
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Sunday, March 16th, 2008
What did happen was that I ended up in South Korea.
When I landed, it was cold. (I would find it that way for the next several weeks, it seems; in more ways than just the weather). I was still sick, lonely for my Love, and in no mood to be here.
“Oh, where is my Love?!?!”
Going through immigration was easy. No problems there. My ride was waiting for me at the gate; and within minuets after my arrival, we were off to where I would live for this next year. I say, “were I would live,” rather than home because Mama is home for me. No place in Korea can be my home without her.
After a 45 minuet to an hour drive, we arrived at the apartment. Mrs. Kim, my new boss, was there. “This is where you live. This is the heater. This is the air. This is the washer. Off. On.” That was about all that I got. The rest was up to me to figure out. There was word given of soon to be coming translation stickers. It’s my 6th week here and I’m still waiting. 
No worries. I have it all figured out now…. after a few dozen cold showers, some chilly nights, and stiff clothes.
There were no towels, a pot, a pan, and a couple spoons. Ohhhhh…. this was going to be interesting. I didn’t have time to worry about it then, though, for I had to be at the school the very next day. How’s that for orientation?
I must say, that was one of the loneliest nights of my life. (I would say that it was the loneliest night of my life if all the nights that followed weren’t equally as lonely.)
The next morning, I awoke to the coldest shower in the history of showers. No coffee. No food. And not real clue as to how to obtain those, other than the small convenience store in the basement. So, I dried off with a t-shirt and headed down to the store. I guessed to the best of my ability as to what I was buying and made my purchase. Can’t remember what I bought, but do remember that I ate out of this store for a good week…. it was all that I had. Hey, I didn’t even know what street I lived on, where the school was. How was I to know where to find food?
I found the next few days to go about the same- extreme loneliness, depression, and and a sense of alienation were to be my friends- for I received no help, no advice, nothing from the school. They were supposed to be there to help me get settled, and they weren’t. I’m still upset over that.
As I begged for help, day after day, I began to discover the things I needed, little by little. It took me the first week to find a towel. That’s right. I went without so much as a towel for more than a week, or roughly that. I can’t remember now. It took longer than that to find food, etc. But I did.
That’s what I want to close with, too. Things in the first 7 days were hell (they were hellish afterward, too), but I made it. I know where things are now. I am familiar with my neighborhood. I have a bank account, and am growing as a teacher. I am finally settling in. And, the remainder of my time, should be much, much better.
Am I still in hell? Yes.
I am in hell because I’m without Dang. Any place without her isn’t fit to be, as far as I”m concerned. I will survive. Not only that, I will grow, but will I thrive? No.
I can have a good attitude about work, life in Korea, etc. I can make the best of anything, but don’t ask me to put a positive spin on being separated from Dang. It’s not happening. I will speak the truth in that matter. I hate being a part from her!!!!
Without Dang, the days after the first 7 will all be lived in a whirlwind.
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Sunday, March 9th, 2008
I don’t remember what time I got up on Sunday. It’s been several weeks since all this happened, anyway, and I’m afraid my memory of the events are fading a little.
Anyway, I got up. Dang and I ate (I had cereal and soy milk…. stomach was still hating me), showered dressed, etc. There was nothing special going on, other than dealing with the feeling of approaching doom.
I spent the day slowly…. the day before I was in the hospital, and now I was packing for Korea. I had spent the last 4 weeks in absolute joy- saving my misery for the end of my time in Thailand and the beginning of my time in Korea. Now that I look back, I think to myself, “No sane person would attempt such a feat.” Hey, I’m nothing if not stubborn and determined.
I can’t say much more about the day’s events, Sunday 10, 2008. It wasn’t eventful, but it was miserable…. not because of the shape of my battered body, but because of the shape of my mournful heart. I was leaving my Love. I had just found her, and here I was leaving already. My grief was profound. If I described my pain as I was feeling it, you would fall to the ground and weep. You would not be able to contain your sorrow. I would bring you to you knees. So, I will save you the emotional trama you would surly experience by speaking no more of that pain.
If I weren’t so sick, I wouldn’t have slept that night, but I was exhausted still; so, sleep did find me. I wish that it had not, though. I feel asleep, and the next thing I knew, it was time to get up and leave for the airport.
I arose from bed, showered, packed the last of my possessions, and said goodbye to the place that had become my home. This place that embraced me so with the fondest memories of my life would, very likely, go unseen by me ever again.
“Goodbye Dang’s room.”
We caught a taxi to the airport. Thankfully, it’s about a 45 min. drive from IT Mansion to the airport. At this point, every second is as precious metal and jewels. I soaked in every bit of Dang that I could (my eyes tear up as I think of this moment). My Love is sitting next to me- beautiful, strong, and possessing all that is good in life.
The airport came too quickly. I was first in line, and I had no time to spare. So, because there was not time to spare, there was no measure of torment spared for Dang and I. How do you say, goodbye?
One always dreams of romantic and passionate kisses; lingering hugs; and thunderheads and lightning bolts. The truth is, you are so alienated by your grief, you forget to be epic. All you can manage is to stumble all over yourself (I am crying now).
“I love you, Papa!!!!!”
“I love you, Mama!!!!”
“It’s only a year, Papa!!!!”
“Only a year, my Love!!!!”
The next thing I knew, she was disappearing from my sight as I entered the cue to have my passport checked. At that moment, I wanted to run…. run back to my Love’s arms, run away from any place that didn’t have her, run from my responsibilities and never let her out of my sight again!!!!
That didn’t happen.
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Sunday, March 9th, 2008
Sometimes, I’ve learned, in life, pain hides. It picks a place and parks. You keep thinking this is the source of your pain….
“Oh, I hate this situation; it’s unbearable!”
You go about your day blaming the wrong situation or source for your pain. One grabs hold of the first obvious thing and says, “It’s this.” When he does that, the pain continues, because, rather than focusing his energy on the real problem, he’s trying to remedy something that isn’t even the problem in the first place.
I think an added bit of wisdom is this: Don’t jump to conclusions. Don’t just assume that the “most obvious” is obvious at all. Remember, sometimes, pain hides behind that. Dig deep, investigate, find the true source of your pain.
I’ve been guilty of letting pain hide…. of saying, “This is unbearable.” I’ve blamed other situations for my pain, when, really, it was something else.
What’s the true source of my pain? That’s easy….
It’s being separated from my darling Love, Dang. I am not whole without her by her side, or me by her’s. That pain is the true source of all the rest. I have identified it as the true culprit of my grief.
I like to think that I am a strong person. I like to think that I’ve scaled many high mountains, and I think I have. But, this mountain of loneliness I feel because of my separation from Dang is icy. I’m on a slippery slope, and I need saving.
I can only be saved by you, Mama. You have to throw me a rope and pull me up. I need you! Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Papa loves you!
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