Love story : Dee and Dang

Feeling Dead Because of Life.

It has taken me days to get to the point where I can write this- not because of lack of knowing, but because of emotional ability.

I’ve found that my feelings run so deeply that, even though much improved, they can still be difficult to digest and assemble into words. So, needles to say, it has taken time to get to this point.

The last time that I wrote, I proclaimed that I was feeling dead inside. Indeed, I was feeling as dead as one could feel inside. I went from anger and hurt (not caused by anyone, I might add) to a true depression- a state not of sadness, but of nothingness. Naturally, this can be quite confusing- requiring time to discern and come to grips with.

After three days, I think I can speak of that which I have discovered….

Dang and I were having some difficulties. We seemed to be overly-emotional, stressed, and, at times, detached. On the outside, these appear as worrisome signs. But, at their source, I’ve discovered, they are encouraging. Just stay with me.

One of the emotions I was feeling was anger. Wednesday night, it came to a head, and it was deeper than I had felt in quite some time- profound and significant. I couldn’t put my finger on the source, but I knew that it was associated with Noo-Dang.

(At this point, I want to mention, Dang never did anything that justified my anger. She is good, true, faithful, and utterly dedicated to me…. always has been, always will be.)

My deep emotions were clouding my judgment- making it difficult to direct them, with them often landing in the wrong place…. frequently, in Dang’s lap. This was adding stress to our relationship, creating a vicious cycle that fed on itself.

I thought, and thought, and steamed…..

“Dang has done nothing to me. Work is going well. My family loves and supports me. I’m building savings. Why am I so pissed-off? Why am I so hurt? Why am I so confused?”

After days of dealing with these emotions as best as I could, it hit me. I’m feeling these bad emotions because I have good things in my life. Doesn’t make sense…. or does it? Read on; you’ll find that it does.

I was feeling dead inside because of life. My life is filled with good things. But, the best thing for me is, and has always been, Dang. My soul knows this in the same way that the flowers know the sun and rain. But, knowing isn’t enough.

The flowers know the sun and the rain at their very core. Every cell longs for sunshine and rain, but they must be touched by these. If not, they whither and fade. As the flowers must be touched my sunshine and bathed by rainfall, so must I in that which nourishes and sustains my soul, which is Dang.

Knowing of food isn’t enough. Knowing of water isn’t enough. Knowing of air isn’t enough. You must eat. You must drink. You must breath. Likewise, knowing Dang at my core isn’t enough. That’s not the nature of things.

I must take her in. I must hold, and be held by her. I must feel the vibrations of her voice. I must take in her scent. I must revel in her presence. Without these things, I’ve learned, my soul protests- loudly, defiantly, with anger.

I felt myself whither like the flowers without sunshine and rainfall. I wasn’t dead, but I felt that way. My innermost being was alerting me to a problem that would surly be the death of my spirit- of my very soul.

“Be on guard,” it was telling me, “without her, this is what you have to look forward to!!!!”

Am I still fading? Yes. There is a price to pay for being a part from your Love. But, I expect it. Like many a flower, I am learning to protect and conserve, biding my time for when the sunshine and rain come.

Take it from me. If you are a part from your soul-mate, you must develop protective measures for the drought that is that separation. If you don’t, you will surly die inside. I got a small taste of that and desire no more.

We will survive this winter of separation, my Love. The biting wind, the low angle of the sun, the drought of rain will not kill us, because we know of them now. We have felt them and are no longer blind to their fierceness. Let us protect ourselves with continued patience, kind understanding, and hopeful Love.

Soon, we will feel the sunshine and drink of the fresh rainfall. Soon, we will be a part no more, and never again will we allow this winter into our lives.

I need you, Dang!!!!!

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I Feel Dead Inside.

The other night, something broke…. something inside. I can’t tell you what, for I don’t know. But, none-the-less, it did.

I sit here, at 2.34 a.m, trying to put into words why I can’t sleep, but I can’t. All I know is that I don’t sleep much, and when I do, it’s not restful.

I feel angry. I feel frustrated. I feel ignored. I feel alone. Maybe that’s why I can’t sleep.

Still can’t put into words why I feel the way I do. I just do.

Maybe if I sit here, it will come to me….

It’s now 3.01 a.m……It never came to me.

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Mama Makes Soup.

As many of you know, I love soups and sauces- my favorite things to cook. They require time and a refined palette to do correctly; it’s almost like alchemy.

Last night, I got to behold a beautiful example of one of my favorite soups, suki. It’s Thai-style…. wholesome and healthy. Mama made a batch, and it was one of the prettiest examples of suki I’ve ever seen. It consisted of pork and pumpkin, amongst other things. Truly, it was a work of art.

You can check it out by following this link: Mama’s Soup

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Thailand Is More than a Place.

Following is a letter that I wrote to my love, Dang. It was concerning a very personal manner and was not written with the intention of posting. After writing, though, I felt like this is something I’d like for all to know…. a confession of sorts and an embracing of the spirit of the letter. Dang gave me permission to post publicly.

Mama, I’m writing this to you, and only you- no blogging of this…. unless you request it, for what I’m about to say is heart-felt, and I would be willing to tell the world this.

First of all, I love you!

Next, I’ve been thinking all night long (not just all night, though; I’ve been thinking for months). What I’ve been thinking of is this: How do two cultures exist in the same house? This is an important question for us, don’t you think? I do.

Well, my answer is not very well. There is a saying that keeps coming to my mind…. “A house divided cannot stand.” It means that a country has to be united. But, I think it also applies to a home, a family.

Mama…. we can’t keep looking at life through two different cultural lenses if we are to survive as Dee and Dang. (Do not worry. This is not going in the direction you might think. It’s taking us to a good place.) What I mean is that we have to stand united in the way we relate to one another and others. This has many implications.

(I may not be composing this letter in a logical order, but it is going the way I’m thinking.)

Back to a house divided. We have not really had any real problems with one another, but we have had problems with our situation that I see could lead to problems with one another. I think it wise to recognize that. These problems stem from culture. There are some irreconcilable differences between the two. I see that, and I have feared such for a long time.

Our problems arise because we are using two different rule books. When you think about it, how can anything work with people playing by different rules? It can’t.

You are having a harder time leaving Thailand than I did the States. You can’t leave. You can’t leave your job. You can’t leave your home. You can’t leave your way of life. There is a reason why, Love, and that reason is that it’s good. Thai ways are special and harmonious; so, it’s hard for you to say, “Goodbye.” U.S. ways are war-like. We fight, we strive, we struggle, we push. I said, “Goodbye,” to that rather easily. I was able to because of my love for you, yes. But, I was also able to say it because I didn’t belong there. I don’t like to fight. I don’t like to miss the good, simple things in life.

Next, let us consider our children. How can they grow up healthy with two rule books, two ways of life? I don’t think they can. I think they need a solid base to grow up on, a strong cultural base. I want our children to have a sense of identity. I want them to know what “the rules” are. They can’t be guessing, and we can’t be giving them conflicting rules.

Pulling it all together: I left the States easily. Even though I hurt sometimes, it wasn’t really as difficult as most would find it. You can’t leave Thailand, and, I believe, if you did, you would hurt beyond measure. Next, we are finding that two sets of rules are causing troubles and worries we wouldn’t have otherwise. Thirdly, our children need stability.

When we were together in Thailand, life was as it should be. We were at peace with each other and the world, as a whole. I’ve never felt that anywhere else. You are my love…. my life. Mama, I knew joy and peace. I have another love too….. Thailand and Thai ways.

Mama, this is what this whole letter is leading to…..

Let’s live by one book of rules. I will never be Thai, this is true. But, our home can be. I can honestly say that I was born in the wrong place. My heart led me to you and to Thailand. I’ve already made Thailand my home. Now, let me make Thai ways my ways. This isn’t a sacrifice for me; it’s me coming home fully and completely. Let me love the King as you love the King. Let me love our family as you do. Let me embrace a Thai peace and sense of being. I want to live peacefully, simply, and surrounded by love.

Mama, let me adopt all of Thailand as my own…. not just as the place I live, but as my home and my way of life.

In closing, I want to say this: The pain that I spoken of as of late didn’t come from too much sacrifice, or too little. It didn’t come from any form of neglect, for there has never been any of that. It didn’t come from any place other than me. I was being torn a part by a battle inside. Once I accepted what my heart was telling me- to fully embrace you and Thailand (meaning Thai ways)- the pain stopped. In doing so, balance was restored, and I settled in a good, peaceful, loving, and kind place.

Mama, not only did you bring your love into my life, you also brought a way of life that I needed to find. You pulled me to a place I was destined to be, and I’m so very, very happy about that.

Thank you, my Love.

With all my love,
Dee

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I’ll Admit It…. I’m Desperate and Needy.

Men have this inner desire to be strong in all things. I don’t know where it comes from, but it is there. Even the weakest amongst us feels the need to stand tall, unshakable, and grounded. I’m sure that this desire stems from profoundly spiritual and evolutionary roots. And, although it’s an archetypal need, it does cause some problems, I’ve learned, and it can get in the way of being an enlightened man if not kept in check.

Following is a confession of my stupidity (I’m writing to Dang):

Although I am, I didn’t want to appear desperate and needy in your eyes. I desired to maintain the carefully-crafted facade of strength- in all things. I don’t know why, but I wanted you to see me as a rock, an enabler.

What I have learned, as my heart continues to be more exposed, is that it’s o.k for me to be needy…. as long as it’s you that I’m needy for…. and I am.

You saw me utterly exposed the other night. I let my guard down, and you saw the profound sadness being a part from you causes me. You saw the dark, deep, black hole in my heart living a part from you created and feeds.

I was trying to hide that from you. I thought that for you to see me that way would make me appear weak in your eyes… to me, that translated to not worthy as a man for you. My weakness and deep need (as deep as a child needs his mother) was me faltering as a man- so I thought- and the cause of an unfair burden for you. I never wanted to be a burden. That’s why I was hiding.

In hiding, and trying to recover from the night I became exposed to you, I hurt you. And that is a tragedy. Tears don’t belong on your cheeks, unless they are of joy. I’m sorry that your cheeks felt the touch of tears of pain.

I have learned that when you are in love, you can’t hide the weakness you have as a result of your profound love for another. Actually, this is a part of a genuine love and passion. So, to you, I am exposed, and I confess this to all.

I am weak!!!!

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I Have No More Dreams…. Or Do I?

Do not be fooled by that title. It’s not as depressing as it may sound. Actually, it is an affirmation of a life complete…. of dreams fulfilled.

In my life, I’ve been a dreamer. I was always looking forward, for the present wasn’t where I wanted to be. I could make plans, do what I had to do, and get to where I wanted to go, eventually. My sense of purpose was strong. My will… determined. Things didn’t always work out the way I planned (but that’s true for everyone), but I always had dreams of work, travel, etc…. tertiary things. Now, I have no such dreams.

I have no strong vision of the future for my career path; no impeding plots to pen; nothing of the sort. There are no longer the visions of grandeur, wealth, acclaim, or any other of the trappings of “success.”

I said in two paragraphs prior that I had a strong sense of purpose, and that my will was determined. If you thought that has changed, you’re wrong. I still possess those, along with the ability to make things happen. But, something has, indeed, changed. What has changed is what I dream of.

If you were to ask me of where my career is going, I couldn’t tell you…. nor could I care any less about that. If you were to ask me if I was going to pursue a Master’s, my answer would be, “Beats me.” If you were to ask me where I would be living after my contract in Korea ends, I would reply, “Who knows?” If you were to stop asking questions there, you might say that the poor fool has no direction. That is the farthest thing from the truth. I have more direction than ever, and I’m perfectly content in the new direction that I have found.

Now days, my dream is to be with Dang. The needle on my compass is always pointed toward her. I don’t care about what I do for work, as long as it takes care of her and our future children. I don’t care about money, especially if I have to sacrifice Dang’s well-being in order to get it. Whether we live in a small home or a mansion, I don’t care.

All I want is what is best for my family. I dream of and for them now. My life is full. It is complete and I no longer see myself as one who needs dreams of a career and such. I see myself as an enabler of dreams. Providing for dreams is my dream.

May sound silly to you (I really don’t care), but this station of life is profoundly satisfying. I would have no other role. It is my place, and I love it!

Dang, dream your dreams. Mine are fulfilled. Now is your time. I am here to make them happen. Whatever, wherever, they are ours to bring to life. Big, small, complex, or simple. I’m here to embrace your dreams as mine.

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Choices

Our lives are full of choices- an infinite number of choices. So often, it is next to impossible to wade through the options and decide which direction we want our lives to go. Up until my love for Dang came into it’s fullness, I made my decisions mostly for me. Now, there is us to consider, and, I must admit, sometimes I stumble. Sometimes, I see too many possibilities…. or, maybe, I present too many possibilities.

Dang, I write this for you.

The direction that we take in our lives is up to us- yes. But, I am now following your lead. See, I made my choice. My choice was to be with you. To answer that call, I had to be flexible. That means that I do what I have to do to be with you. I ride the wind and drift along on the breeze that guides my path to you. Where I live, what I do, and for how long I do it matters little to me, for these things would but hinder my choice of being by your side. I’m resolved to be flexible, because I am unwaivering in my commitment to you.

As of late, I’ve presented you with possibilities…. maybe too many. I’m sorry for that. It’s not fair to put so much on your shoulders, I know. Before you fell in love with me, I know that life must have been much simpler. Maybe, I can help by asserting some things.

First of all, you are free to dream. Whatever you dare dream, I will see that it comes to pass. Wherever you want to live, I will abide. Whomever you have to honor, I will give honor to. Your culture, your home, and your family are mine. You do not have to betray those that you hold near and dear.

Papa is a simple man. You are what he needs. Yes, I have dreamed big in my life. I had to. Dreaming big is what brought me to you. Where most would falter because our love seemed impossible, I have succeeded. Dreaming big has served it’s purpose, but I am in a different stage in my life, and dreaming big isn’t necessarily required to guide me any longer. I am living my dream, for I have you. My heart and my soul are grounded, like a tree’s roots- deep and solid. I no longer have to look to the sky; no longer is the future my home, for my present is all I could ask for and more.

There is no more me, Love. There is only Dee and Dang, and what comes of that love. Let us not forget the wisdom of our ancestors (your’s and mine). True happiness comes not from striving but from being.

So, I say to you. You can be brave and embrace dreams and possibilities that seem too big. I will be there for you. But, you can also embrace simplicity. Do not think that you have to live up to some expectation of “big dreams.” Do not confuse possibilities with dreams. Nor do I want you to confuse my presentation of possibilities with my desires. I desire only you.

If you feel called to dream of a life abroad, then dream of that. If you feel called to dream of a life in the South of Thailand, then dream of that.

I’m not sure if any of the above cleared anything up. What it really boils down to is this. I want only you. I want only a life filled with our love and what becomes of that love. I need nothing else to be happy. I can teach, live a simple life, and have everything in that. There is something deep and beautiful in that.

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Today, We Are Wearing Black.

Today, Dang’s granny was bid goodbye by those who loved her…. and there were many.

This is a time of mourning for Dang and her family (including me). I never met Dang’s granny, but I knew her. I knew her through the obvious love and respect Dang had for her. Because of that, I feel a small measure of the loss Dang feels. Although I wish I could share all of Dang’s pain, I can’t say that I feel more than a small measure of the loss she feels, for that would be disrespectful of her relationship with her granny. Dang is the one who is truly mourning, and I would not take that away from her.

On this day, and tomorrow, I wear black to express pain and show respect for Dang and her loved ones. Although, I never met Dang’s grandmama, I am feeling pain deeply as a result of her passing.

Even though it can’t be compared to Dang’s, in a way, I’m mourning the fact that I’m not with her. She does have her family with her, but I should be there, as well. My place is by her side, in good and bad times. Rather than being there, I’m in Korea, and tears have found their way down my cheeks throughout the day.

I’m not there in person, my Love, but my heart is with you. And, I’m praying for you and your family. I’m sending all the strength and support that I can to you. I love you and am with you in spirit.

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