Love story : Dee and Dang

Thai Lessons: You Are Never Alone.

When you become a part of a Thai family, you are never alone.

Dang and I are going to the sea tomorrow for the day and night. The trip is being shared with friends. As far as I know, it will be Dang, some of her friends (Rung, Panlop, and Ying), and me. This excites very much, for I like these people quite a lot, and when you get a bunch of good Thai together, you know you are bound for and good time and many laughs.

I was expecting to travel to the sea with our friends, spend some time together, then have “alone time” with my wife (notice the assumption that I made?) Anyway, when you travel with Thais, you cannot assume that you will be alone with anyone. Turns out that I may not only get to share a trip with friends- but also a room and maybe even a bed.

Now, if you are not Thai, you are probably going “?,” right?

Well, I can understand why you are going “?” I did the same thing. Actually, when I found out that this was a possibility, I thought my wife was joking (ah, assumptions), but she wasn’t. She was being utterly honest and straightforward with me. When I realized this, my jaw dropped.

Can you imagine what was going through my head? Here we are… just married without a real chance at a honeymoon, because of my work… and I find out that I can’t even get any time alone with her on the trip I wanted for that very reason- something special for us to celebrate our marriage and a trip to give us a small taste of a honeymoon.

Fortunatly, by this point, I have learned to stop and not over-react. Think, ask, and allow your loved one to explain. So, here is the explaination.

First of all, Thais are highly social. They see themselves as part of a group, not quite as individualistic as an American. Actually, probably nowhere nearly as individualistic. “Why would anyone do anything by themselves?” about sums it up.

Next, they don’t want anyone to feel like “the third person.” If there is someone in a group who is single, you can’t just ask them to take their own room. Then, you would be singling them out and making them uncomfortable. I could understand that, but my thinking was still somewhat askewed. In my mind, the newlyweds, Dang and I, should still have our own room (remember, no real honeymoon) but that was still off a bit.

To better explain, or, at least, set up the story a bit better, here is more detail our situation. There will be five of us, as far as we know (2 newlweds, 1 additional couple, and 1 single). Can you see where the problem is coming in at?

If Dang and I take our own room, that would leave 3 in the other; or 2 in another by themselves and the single individual left to themself. In the States, this wouldn’t be a big deal. Actually, this arrangement would occur natuarally, and no one would feel left out- sure, there are probably some exceptions, but we are just dealing with the generalities of culture right now.

In Thai society, you would not let your friend be alone. Also, you would not allow them to feel like the third person. So, you don’t take a room alone. You don’t exclude, even if you are newlyweds. These people are your friends, and they would not exclude you. They would sacrifice an evening alone with their love to be a good friend and include everyone. Not one single person is left alone- ever.

In order to be a good friend, and because of the group orientation of Thai culture, the logical answer is to share one big room. Everyone, is on this trip together, not just taking a trip together. It boils down to something simpler than mathmatics and logistics. It comes down to this one singular factor: You are never alone.

It is true. In Thailand, in Thai society, you are never alone. Your family is there for you; your friends are always present; and you are expected to be there for them, as well. You share in their lives, and they share in yours.

You may wonder, “How does American cope with this?” Well, even as I write this entry, I’ve come to a new level of understanding and exception. With time, and lots of patience from your Thai wife and friends, you can accept the situation. Not only can one accept the given situation, and the plethera of like situations, you can actually embrace them.

Here is the Thai lesson: No matter how hard we try, you can never make yourself, truly, into an island. You may have that mindset, but it is but an illusion of our own making. When I think about it, and as I experience this aspect of Thai life, I appreciate it more and more.

My wife tells me, “Papa, you will never be alone.” I now know what she means by that and appreciate it more the longer we are together. You should think about it… how much of an island are you?

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Thai Lessons: What My Wife Has Taught Me.

My life is such that I’ve found myself in many unfamiliar situations, and my relationship with Noo-Dang has provided ample new experiences and ways of looking at things. Boy, that is an understatement.

If you have followed this blog any at all, you know that my wife is Thai. And, it goes without saying, her family is Thai (I know… “No crap Sherlock!”). Anyway, considering that I’m a “Hill Billy” from Tennessee, we come from cultures as different as different can be.

This situation is often stressful, out of stupidity- mostly. I often make the mistake of making assumptions. That’s the power of culture; you can simplify your thinking and conserve energy by assuming that certain things are safe to assume. But, when you and your wife don’t share a culture, assumptions need to go out the window for the extended period of your cultural re-training.

Yes, there is a lot of learning going on, but when you are involved as deeply as being married to one of a different culture, it goes beyond being an academic exercise, for simply settling on knowledge without understanding will not do; you have to learn to feel the new culture and adopt much of it as your own. This is the only way, in my opinion, to fulfill the needs of the other.

Even though, you are adopting new ways of thinking, the trick is to not loose your culture in the process. Dang has to adjust as I do; but, in that process, I do not long for her to loose sight of what it is to be Thai. I want us both to come to a new place in our lives where we can assimilate different ways of thinking into our current mindsets.

Now, following that not-so-brief introduction, let me say this: I have learned a great deal from my wife and the experiences associated from being a part of Dee and Dang. As I learn from my Thai bride, I’d like to share those lessons with you. You don’t have to be married to a Thai to appreciate the lessons learned. If nothing else, they’re interesting and can be quite entertaining.

So, I invite to enjoy some new material I am going to call “Thai Lessons.”

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Married on this Day!!!!

Today, July 29, 2008, the love of my life, Dang, and I married in Thailand. Just a few days before my 31st birthday, my life finds a new level of fulfillment. My cup doth, indeed, runeth over.

The marriage was over without much fanfare, for it was planned that way (there is a ceremony still to be had in the south of Thailand at a later date), but my heart still jumps for joy, because I am bound to this woman.

When you truly love, you long to be bound to the other. It’s not something that can be explained. It’s one of those primal instincts that has to be experienced. Right?

Yes.

All I can say is this: my longing for this woman is primal; it runs to the very core of my being. It’s the marrow of my bone; the spirit of my soul; the breath in my nostrils. Without Dang, there is no Dee.

I’m a happy, complete man. As I revel in my joy, I invite you to celebrate with me.

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It has rained all day today- nice, in a way. It’s provided a break from the heat. Yes, it does get quite hot in the Republic of Korea. The rain here reminds me, very much so, of the rain we get back home in Tennessee- hard. The main difference is that the rain here is relentless… when it rain, it sets in for the duration of the day.

You may not know this, but Dang went to visit her family in the south of Thailand a few days ago. And, she is due to arrive back in Bangkok today. I’ve thought of her all day long as she has traveled. When you love someone, you worry. I’m sitting here hoping that she had a good trip, but also, more importantly, a safe trip. Get home safe, my Love.

I have spent much of the weekend preparing for my vacation, which starts July 26th. I will be flying to Thailand then for a week with my soon-to-be wife (she will be my wife when I return to Korea). I find that I am both excited and nervous.

I feel as if I am moving toward the moment that I’ve waited for my whole life…. the moment that I was created for. This will be the pinnacle of the crescendo of my life to this point. It feels like it is the most important thing I’ve ever done. Because of that feeling (the feeling of history in the making for me), I’m a bit of a mess.

There is nothing in the whole of the world that I desire more than to be Dang’s husband, but there is also no thought that frightens me more. I’ve never been a husband before. Never have I been entrusted with so much- her well-being and her happiness. Will I be the sort of man for her that she deserves? Will I add to her life, rather than her burden? Oh, I do hope I am good for her. If I am, can I maintain that for the rest of my life? These are the things that I am thinking and worrying about. I want to be…. more.

The upcoming week looks rather busy. I have my normal duties as a teacher, which keep me hopelessly busy; but, I also have getting ready for Thailand. Laundry has to be completed early, for I need clean clothes when I come back for school. Bags have to be packed. Documents have to be gathered. A trip to the bank has to be made…. etc, etc, etc.

Although, it’s going to be busy, I also think it’s going to be exciting- with some fun mixed in. Well, let’s go!!!! Time to get ready for a big week, followed by an even bigger week.

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Anger Is a Nightmare.

Last night, I found myself subject to bad dreams, robbing me of the restful sleep we all desire. When I awoke this morning, I was wet with sweat and soar from sleeping in precarious positions.

What was it that disturbed my sleep so? Anger. Anger was the subject of my dream and the thief that robbed me of a good night’s sleep.

I’ll admit, I keep a close eye upon my anger. Like everyone else, I’ve had my angry moments. Unlike everyone, I’ve had periods in my life where anger was a real issue. Without going into details as to why, I can safely say that I’ve dealt quite well with my anger and have found myself in a much calmer place. Dang, of course, has much to do with that…. a determined effort has played a part, as well.

I’ve seen anger pointlessly tare people’s lives a part. I’ve seen my family life ravaged by it, as well; so, I think I am acutely aware of this enemy. I’m haunted by anger- not just mine, but others’, as well.

Last night, in my dream, I succumbed to my anger and lost everything that I held dear. I lost my job, and, in tandem, my ability to take care of my wife. It was one of those dreams that make you wake up feeling dirty and guilty. It was more than just a dream…. it was a reminder.

I can’t say where anger comes from. Nor, can I say if it has ever been beneficial. What I can say is this: It doesn’t serve us well, now. It robs us of so much. Last night reminded me of that, and for that, I am thankful for the restless night that I had.

Guard against anger. Don’t let it rob you of your happiness and health. If you do not watch, it will surly take those that you hold dear from you in a tragic and painful way.

Mindfully cultivate a peaceful life in every way that you can.

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I Just Missed Missing the Fourth!!!!

It is so very strange… I am so out of synch with my home country, the U.S, of course. Just a few days ago, it was the Fourth of July, and I almost forgot all about it. I didn’t even think anything about it until it was almost over.

Fortunately, I was reminded by my family. As it was ending here, the Fourth was just beginning in the U.S. As a side note: I think the the Fourth is only the Fourth when it is the Fourth in the States. So, even though, I was late in realizing that it was the Fourth, I didn’t really miss it, because of the fact that the Fourth occurs on U.S. time.:)

This brings me to something interesting. I’m all out of whack. As I mentioned earlier, I’m out of synch with the States, but, on top of that, I don’t know what’s going on in South Korea most of the time. I’m a foreigner who speaks very little of the language, although I’m learning. Their politics aren’t mine; their customs aren’t mine; even their holidays aren’t mine. And, no matter how much I like this place and take an interest in it, up to this point, I’m still quite foreign, as they are to me.

So, I have found myself floating in the ether happily “gassed” most of the time. I’m not talking about being drunk; rather, I’m talking about that feeling you get when you’ve been whacked up side the head by a good, swift kick from a mule. I’m in that place where things are starting to become coherent but still not making sense.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s been a trip. I’ve had a lot of good experiences and surreal moments. Life is what I want it to be- meaningful, exciting, passionate, fulfilling. Even though that’s all true, I need to find more connections to home in the U.S. and Korea. I can’t continue to be so disconnected.

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Guess Who Got Food Poisoning, Again?

Guess who got food poisoning, again! Yep, that’s right… me!!!! I got food poisoning again for the second time in 6 months about two weeks ago.

Now, this round of poisoning wasn’t nearly as bad as the first time- no hospital. Yeah!!!! Although, there was no hospital, it was not a walk in the park. There was diarrhea, cramps, fatigue, etc. Luckily, no vomit was involved.

I, admittedly, made things worse by waiting too long to go to the doctor. I’m an American; I’m not use to going to the doctor unless I’m next to death- it’s a money thing. I can’t afford the doctor in the U.S. I have insurance here, and they actually expect you to use it. If you’re sick, go to the doctor. Nice! Anyway, I had “the trotts” for 4 days! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Hey, if your in a foreign country, especially in Asia, you’re an American, and you have diarrhea….you need to see the doctor, Stupid. Take from Stupid # 1, I know about these things.

After having gone to the doctor with my friend, and interpreter, Sydney, I was feeling better in but a few hours. It didn’t take 10 min. to get in and out of the doc’s office. He looked at me and knew right off the bat what was ailing me. I was in and out, and before I knew it, I was medicated and on the mend.

In closing, it was fun, but I think I’ll pass next time.

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