Love story : Dee and Dang

It has taken me days to get to the point where I can write this- not because of lack of knowing, but because of emotional ability.

I’ve found that my feelings run so deeply that, even though much improved, they can still be difficult to digest and assemble into words. So, needles to say, it has taken time to get to this point.

The last time that I wrote, I proclaimed that I was feeling dead inside. Indeed, I was feeling as dead as one could feel inside. I went from anger and hurt (not caused by anyone, I might add) to a true depression- a state not of sadness, but of nothingness. Naturally, this can be quite confusing- requiring time to discern and come to grips with.

After three days, I think I can speak of that which I have discovered….

Dang and I were having some difficulties. We seemed to be overly-emotional, stressed, and, at times, detached. On the outside, these appear as worrisome signs. But, at their source, I’ve discovered, they are encouraging. Just stay with me.

One of the emotions I was feeling was anger. Wednesday night, it came to a head, and it was deeper than I had felt in quite some time- profound and significant. I couldn’t put my finger on the source, but I knew that it was associated with Noo-Dang.

(At this point, I want to mention, Dang never did anything that justified my anger. She is good, true, faithful, and utterly dedicated to me…. always has been, always will be.)

My deep emotions were clouding my judgment- making it difficult to direct them, with them often landing in the wrong place…. frequently, in Dang’s lap. This was adding stress to our relationship, creating a vicious cycle that fed on itself.

I thought, and thought, and steamed…..

“Dang has done nothing to me. Work is going well. My family loves and supports me. I’m building savings. Why am I so pissed-off? Why am I so hurt? Why am I so confused?”

After days of dealing with these emotions as best as I could, it hit me. I’m feeling these bad emotions because I have good things in my life. Doesn’t make sense…. or does it? Read on; you’ll find that it does.

I was feeling dead inside because of life. My life is filled with good things. But, the best thing for me is, and has always been, Dang. My soul knows this in the same way that the flowers know the sun and rain. But, knowing isn’t enough.

The flowers know the sun and the rain at their very core. Every cell longs for sunshine and rain, but they must be touched by these. If not, they whither and fade. As the flowers must be touched my sunshine and bathed by rainfall, so must I in that which nourishes and sustains my soul, which is Dang.

Knowing of food isn’t enough. Knowing of water isn’t enough. Knowing of air isn’t enough. You must eat. You must drink. You must breath. Likewise, knowing Dang at my core isn’t enough. That’s not the nature of things.

I must take her in. I must hold, and be held by her. I must feel the vibrations of her voice. I must take in her scent. I must revel in her presence. Without these things, I’ve learned, my soul protests- loudly, defiantly, with anger.

I felt myself whither like the flowers without sunshine and rainfall. I wasn’t dead, but I felt that way. My innermost being was alerting me to a problem that would surly be the death of my spirit- of my very soul.

“Be on guard,” it was telling me, “without her, this is what you have to look forward to!!!!”

Am I still fading? Yes. There is a price to pay for being a part from your Love. But, I expect it. Like many a flower, I am learning to protect and conserve, biding my time for when the sunshine and rain come.

Take it from me. If you are a part from your soul-mate, you must develop protective measures for the drought that is that separation. If you don’t, you will surly die inside. I got a small taste of that and desire no more.

We will survive this winter of separation, my Love. The biting wind, the low angle of the sun, the drought of rain will not kill us, because we know of them now. We have felt them and are no longer blind to their fierceness. Let us protect ourselves with continued patience, kind understanding, and hopeful Love.

Soon, we will feel the sunshine and drink of the fresh rainfall. Soon, we will be a part no more, and never again will we allow this winter into our lives.

I need you, Dang!!!!!